( 014 ) Ω ( VIDEO + SPAM )

[semifreakingnormal]

[Okay. He learned from the last time. He doesn't have to apologize. That doesn't mean he's not struggling with the memories of what he did.

Scott's eyes aren't quite red rimmed, but he is far from relaxed. It's obvious he's broadcasting from the infirmary: there still some structural damage around as the Admiral slowly fixes things.]

I'm, um.

[Sorry sorry sorry sorry. He swallows it back, draws in a shaky breath.]

I'm in the infirmary. [He looks around over his shoulder.] Obviously. I know there's not a lot the doctors can do for people who are death tolling. But one of the things I learned at home can help. I can take away pain, when I touch people. So, I'll - I'll be here. I'l be around. Just let me know if you're hurting, and I'll make it better for a while.

[He doesn't mention that he takes the pain on himself. He hopes Stiles and Dean won't say anything, either. It feels like penance, though that's not the only reason he's offering. If he can help people and feel like he's scouring away his guilt, well...then he's going to.]

[Private to Peter]

You were right. I'm definitely thanking you after.

Are you okay?

[Spam for Stiles and Lydia]

[He's been at her bedside in the infirmary since they reappeared back on the Barge, waiting for her to wake up. He knows she will. Knows it deep in his gut, because the Admiral hasn't failed them like this. He won't leave her there, and he won't leave her dead.

There's a whisper of doubt in his thought, and he's doing the best he can to banish it. It leaves his throat and mouth dry, and he doesn't know what to do.

Looking over the bed at Stiles, he draws in breath to say something, anything, but he can't. It wasn't him, but he remembers tearing her throat out, he remembers Stiles' face when it happened, and he has to look down at his hands again.]

Comments

[godsays]

Self-control.

[semifreakingnormal]

I guess it's important to know the limits of that.

[godsays]

I don't know. Maybe it's not that important. It seems like it - but it's when I'm at my least controlled that I make the most progress.

[semifreakingnormal]

Without other people getting hurt?

[godsays]

....oh.

[ No. ]

People get hurt, here.

[semifreakingnormal]

People get hurt everywhere.

[It's very quiet, and he looks away when he finishes. He had Allison's blood on his hands, it all happened so fast, and he doesn't know how to keep it from rising up to dig at him.]

[godsays]

People die everywhere. They get hurt here.

[ He is a little dismissive, but it's because - his world was harsh. It was cruel. Here, people always survive the tortures put to them. Here, they always have to come back for more. At least there was an end in Scadrial. ]

[semifreakingnormal]

[He draws a slow breath, looks back up.]

It has to be worth it.

[He can't, can't entertain the idea that it isn't.]

[godsays]

It doesn't have to.

But if you expect to find meaning, you probably will.

[semifreakingnormal]

Yeah, it does. Why else would you stay somewhere that hurts?

[godsays]

Because I have people I love who can't leave.

[semifreakingnormal]

Which means it's worth it.

[godsays]

Maybe not for its own sake. Maybe so. I don't know.

[semifreakingnormal]

For whatever sake. I just - I don't know. Sorry.

[godsays]

Why are you sorry?

You want to believe in the Barge. That's not bad.

[semifreakingnormal]

I do. I really do. [He needs to. Or else he might stop breathing.] I guess - I'm not sorry for that. I'm just sorry more people don't.

[godsays]

It's hard to blame inmates for being angry.

But it did work on me. The Barge.